Relationships between Men and Women in Vietnamese Culture

[wblostatsea13]

I have been reading many postings on this site and in others and it seems that so many center around the relationships between men and women. These relationships are complex of course in any cultural...and a cross cultural relationship adds additional complexity. I am hoping to begin a thread on this topic exploring facets of this topic including family, economics, religion, cultural dynamics in Vietnam - doi moi - or opening up to the world, marriage, sexuality, professionalism, workplace dynamics and the multitude of facets that impact these relationships.

To start the discussion, I would be interested to learn how Vietnamese recall their experience as young people getting to know the opposite sex...how do they recall the experience? When...at what age did this happen to them and who did they talk to to to better understand the relationships. If they couldn't talk to anyone, where did they turn to for information.

[wblostatsea13]

I have been a bit surprised that there are no replies to my thread...but then I reread my post and maybe it was misunderstood. I wasn't necessarily asking about intimate contact...but rather about relationships.

I will share my own experience to give an idea. I think my first realisation that girls were...well girls came in grade school...I think I was maybe only 6 or 7 years old. Among the kids we talked about boyfriends and girl friends...and I recalling kissing one of the girls in my class, but it was all very much in fun. I recall some of the boys had kissed her too our tried too.

My father never talked to me about any of this sort of thing. My mother gave me a book once when I was older....maybe 12 or 13...that was supposed to explain sexuality, but from what I recall it really didn't answer any of my questions. So I really didn't have anyone to consult with until I made friends with an older neighbor boy. We talked about girls and he was quite knowledgeable. Not from experience, but from reading. He was very intelligent and knew about a lot of things that I did not and he told me where to find information.

[chiefsmoke]

Hi,

thanks for starting the interesting topic. i can say the process of getting to know about sexuality happened to me was pretty much similar to you, for my case it happened when i was 11 or 12 years old. i reckon the other guys at my age would find it similar too i.e. inexperience boys asking experience boys. that happened about 10-15 years ago.

for the next generation i think it also follows the same principle, but as far as i know nowadays pupils can receive more guidance of that aspect from their school at the age of 11 or 12. They probably know about all that sooner, may be outside the class taking into consideration that nowadays children can have access to the internet very early and easily whereas i did not have that when i was that age. So my point is, the younger kids now have access to the internet and guide from school and that has to do with the process they went through. I reckon the internet plays more important role than before but then i think the traditional way of learning between boys prevails. there are of course other channels of "getting to know how stuffs work" such as: parents, books, gender educational group etc, telephone hotlines...etc.

a few lines just to add. pls correct my writing if anybody find any mistakes. thank you.

Chiefsmoke

[wblostatsea13]

My older friend really helped me understand more, however I was still quite naive I must say. And as I mentioned, what my older friend new was from reading.

One night we confided in each other that we were both very attracted to...well the girl next door. The more we talked about her, the more we realized we "had it bad" as kids would say back then. We told each other we were in love...we spoke of her expressions, her movements, her laugh, her kindness, her beauty.

Of course adults would have called it puppy love...immature love, not very meaningful. And yet here I am writing about this 42 years later!

My friend and I liked to camp out in the backyard of his parents home in summer months. We would spend the nights talking about the girl next door, girls in general...and a lot of boy talk too - bikes, cars, sports. One night, my friend's sister was camping out with the girl next door and several other girls a few blocks away. In the middle of the night my friend and I were awaken by his sister and the girl next door. They were outside our tent and the wanted us to open up...which we did. The girls pulled me from the tent feet first. And insisted I come with them back to their camp. My older friend was to stay behind. I remember seeing the disappointment on his face...but of course I went along.

[wblostatsea13]

I suppose I should continue this thread in an effort to hear some reflections on these young relationships in Vietnamese culture.

I went with my friend's sister and the girl next door...there were a few other girls too camping out. They were not camping in a tent, but rather in a small "playhouse" at the girl next doors home. When we arrived we were talking and joking and teasing. And then the other girls left myself and the girl next door alone. I don't recall who made the first move, however before long we were hugging and kissing. This was my first time to experience any of this and I was so much in love with the girl next door. I want to be clear we were not sexually intimate and there wasn't any inappropriate touching. We were only 14 and I certainly had no idea about any of that. However, the kissing and the hugging...well I was in heaven!

This continued for some time and eventually the other girls came back which brought a stop to our "making out." I returned to the boys tent - where my friend was sleeping and not happy to learn what I had been doing during the night. Unfortunately my great euphoria created a depression for my friend. We were very close friends and I felt so bad for him and I didn't want anything to come between us. Still, I felt my dreams had come true and that he should just accept that new reality. However, I lost one of the few people that I could talk to about relationships between boys and girls...so I was really on my own now.

[Phong Lan]

Hello wblostatsea13,

I agree with chiefsmoke. I think his/her post is good enough to answer your question on how young Vietnamese get to know about the opposite sex.

What do you expect to see more? How is it like, a Vietnamese puppy love?

My regards,

Phong Lan

[wblostatsea13]

Yes I think you and Chiefsmoke are right that many young people turn to the internet now...certainly in the US. And I assume in Vietnam too.

I understand that many, if not most marriage relationships in Vietnam are arranged by family members...yet I have seen many young (and a few older ones too) around the lakes in Hanoi so there appears to be some freedom, some risk taking by men and women to meet for both physical and romantic intimate relationships. I also understand this semi public display of affection is a new trend in Vietnamese culture. I saw a few couples in my neighborhood catch a quick kiss good night, hold hands, hug...and a few arguments too.

Since Vietnamese holds family so central, where do young people go for advice, understanding about love...puppy or mature? Do they talk with parents? Girls to Moms? Boys to Dads? Are there other influential family members in this instance - sisters, brothers, uncles or aunts?

[wblostatsea13]

Needless to say I was in heaven. The girl next door, the girl of my dreams had taken the first step! It inflated my ego well beyond its sustainable size that's for sure. For several weeks we went places together, mostly riding our bikes around the small village we lived in. We had parties, watched TV together and occassionally stole a kiss, a hug...nothing more although I am sure there were urges to go further. Then...it seemed as quickly as it came together, it all came to an end when the girl next door started seeing another boy next door...that was short lived too as there was yet another farm boy who entered the picture. That last relationship lasted for several years for the girl next door and we all assumed it would lead to marriage, however it did not. The girl next door remained single for many years and eventually married a older divorced man with 2 children. They have both been very, very happy in this relationship.

It took me a long time to recover from the fall, but of course I eventually did. I talked with my friend, his sister (who was close to the girl next door) to try to understand it all...and I think eventually learned the important lesson that it had less to do with me than it did with the girl next door's own life, needs and aspirations. I think my older sisters helped me understand that by sharing their own experience in relationships.

I did not consult with my parents about this, although I am sure they were somewhat aware that something was going on. Nor did they offer to talk about it...which was probably a good thing. I am sure I would have been very embarrassed to talk with them.

[Mon_queva]

Opp, I really tried to read most your post, (wb lost at sea 13 ???) ^^. In fact, It's really a big endeavor by myself because I'm not good at English, not yet ^^. But I like your idea and I want to servey about that too. ^^
Um, I want to say " love", " what is love? " ha ha, it seem a boring-ear subject. But now and ever after, I sure many girl like me still have to wonder.
Reality, I just "fell in love" once with a friend, and up to now, I till really believe that It is not my fist love, it's just ....um um.. something like stupid emotions when you are not an adult yet. In Vietnamese , I called it is " say nắng " .You just feel "like "or something, and that's all. And I wonder what is love? When can you realize a relationship enough strong to be a love ?
I know nobody can answer that question but myself, It's my felling, it's my love, but I am afraid to make the mistake again.
I watch my friends, someone likes me, someone seem to have a true love, but nobody can say to me clearly.
Now, I don't worry, I'm just wondering ^^. Someone like me??

[wblostatsea13]

I have the impression that say nang is similar to the English expression "infatuation" or being "infatuated" with someone. Or it could also be close to "puppy love?"