I can't get my teeth into Twilight.
I can't get my teeth into Twilight
TONI JORDAN
July 20, 2010
Somehow I've missed the whole Twilight phenomenon, which is unusual. I'm not normally the kind of person who skips something just because it's popular. Generally I think that people are pretty smart, and if a lot of people like something, that's good enough for me.
Harry Potter passed me by, yes, but that was because it was written for children and I'm not a child. I also haven't read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo et al, because I'm not a big fan of crime. I get too sad when even imaginary people are murdered.
Usually I love popular culture: for evidence, see exhibit a) MasterChef. I'm quite obsessed. It's not that I have anything against sexy vampires per se. I remember, back when dinosaurs ruled the earth and I was young, thinking Frank Langella was the sexiest man on two fangs. Yes, that Frank Langella. The old, grey, old guy. So, why haven't I bitten the bullet, picked up the book and chosen Team Edward or Team TheOtherGuy?
The impracticalities of settling down with a vampire ruin the whole concept for me. First, imagine the catering problems. It must be difficult enough having a boyfriend who's lactose-intolerant, gluten-free or won't eat wet food. (I've dated men who don't eat soups, stew and casseroles, as if grilling was a religion. You'd be amazed.)
But someone who doesn't eat food at all? Forget catching up with friends at their place: you'll never receive another dinner party invitation. Imagine when it's your turn to have his family over for Christmas lunch. How would you even set the table? Bowls? Martini glasses, with curly straws? The table cloth and napkins would have to be green, to contrast against all that red.
Another problem is the way Edward looks. In my relationships, I prefer to be prettier than my male partner, but with vampires it's just not possible. That ethereal pale skin makes Nicole Kidman look like a leper with psoriasis. Don't forget, vampires are cold-blooded. On a chilly winter night in Melbourne, don't count on snuggling up to Edward. If you spring for a coffin built for two, best order a specially-made electric blanket.
Also, talk about different body clocks. It would be like dating someone perpetually on night shift, without the added do-you-think-this-mole-is-anything-to-worry-about? security of them being a health professional. Forget picnics on sunny days or lazy afternoons in a beer garden. Having a vampire for a partner would be a child-care nightmare. Obviously Edward could still do the grocery shopping, what with Coles and Woolies open round the clock. But how would he pick up the dry cleaning?
The Twilight vampires do have some things going for them, compared with other vampires. After considerable research on the helpful Wikipedia page Tables of Vampire Traits, I've learned that Stephenie Meyer varies from standard vampire lore on several fronts. For a start, Edward has no fangs. Forgive my ignorance (and I'm sure this is answered satisfactorily in the books), but how does that work? How do they actually get the blood in, if not through fangs? Here's another non-vampire trait: Edward can see his reflection in a mirror and in water. I can see the practicality here, because Robert Pattinson's hair is not going to coif itself.
It's about now in this column that my ignorance, obvious since the beginning, becomes overwhelming. Despite the first two books being called ''twilight'' and ''eclipse'', in my Googling I'm seeing stills of Edward and Bella out in the sun. I'm suspecting daylight tolerance is another vampire rule that Stephenie Meyer has played fast and loose with.
So if Edward Cullen is not burnt by sun and can see his reflection, does that still make him a vampire by the usual definition? I hope so. Otherwise teenage girls around the globe are obsessed with just another skinny, pale boy with great hair who doesn't have sex with women. And there'll only ever be one Michael Jackson.
Toni Jordan's column appears in The Age's MelbourneLife on Tuesdays.
http://www.theage.com.au/opinion/soc...719-10hv0.html
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