Cuoi ti nao!!!

[unnamed]

We take you now to the Oval Office.

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I’am telling you.
George: That’s what I’am asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The China man!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I’am telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’am asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don’t want Kofi.
George: No. I don’t want coffee. Now that you mentioned it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Notes :
Dr. Condoleezza Rice : National Security Advisor of USA
Yassir Arafat: late President of Palestine died Nov 2004
Kofi Atta Annan : former Secretary-General of the United Nations (1997-2006)
Hu Jintao :is currently holding the _title_s of President of the People's Republic of China, Chairman of the Central Military Commission and General Secretary of the Communist Party of China since 2003, succeeding Jiang Zemin in the fourth generation leadership of the People's Republic of China.

[unnamed]

- NAMING RIGHTS -

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business? What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal? What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers? What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: one copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
????????

(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

[unnamed]

Happiness !

When French President de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British Ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.
At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.

- Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years !! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years Madame ?

- [i]A penis !! replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... And no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said : "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word ...[i]appiness !! "
(Nguoi Phap ko phat am duoc chu "h" )

[unnamed]

Chinese names .. and what else ?

Caller: Hello, can I speak to [i]Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to [i]anyone. You can speak to me. Who are you ?
Caller: I'm [i]Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are[i] someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother [i]Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Oh .....God

[unnamed]

Interview with an Arab

I heard on the radio, an Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy.

Consulate Officer : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz
Consulate Officer : Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consulate Officer : I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels
Consulate Officer : Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too
Consulate Officer : Man,......... isn' t it hostile?
Arab :Horse _style_, dog _style_, any _style_
Consulate Officer : Oh..........dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast.
Doc chuyen nay khi dang o office, khong the nhin dc cuoi. Haha

[unnamed]

Van Gogh
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh.
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh.
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh.
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh.
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh.

[unnamed]

Italian jokes

# #
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. "You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to you watch and a say, 'Times Up'?"

# #
The Italian's Tomato Garden .....

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

# #
No Speakah Da English

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first,
Den I come,
Den two asses come together,.
I come once-a-more,
Two asses, they come together again,
I come again and pee twice,
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country , we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."

[unnamed]

Hotel hotel

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this..!

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
- "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

- "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
- "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
- "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50."
- "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."
- "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
- "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

[unnamed]

Blondes are not all dumb !

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year... namely : that in just onE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooo? (I told him) It's been a year."

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore !

[unnamed]

AI DIT - I DID

In a moving elevator packed with a couple of Vietnamese Americans, and many Caucasians, there was an odor unmistakably released by somebody's farting.

The Viet (who was born in South Vietnam) couldn't stand it, asked (in Vietnamese):

- Ai địt ? ( "xả hơi" chu thich rieng cho anh em mien bac)

People in the elevator all heard what he said, but felt embarrased, therefore kept quiet. That made the Viet guy even angrier as he thought they ignored his question. He repeated in a more demanding voice - clearer and stronger:
- Ai địt ?

A Caucasian seemed annoyed, yelled back:
- Look, young man: It was nice, brave and straight of you to admit that you did the embarrassing thing, but you needed not to repeat it so loudly again. We had all known that you were the one who did it! OK ?