Writer's block

June 22, 2010

DEAR Reader,

I am in pain, wracked by an affliction such that, just when I want to end it all, I'm left with a recurrent dilemma - just how to do it.

I'm not depressed, in poor health or even remotely suicidal. I just don't know how to sign off my correspondence.

With fingers poised over the keyboard, I'm faced with myriad options. Should I say "Regards", like most of us do, whether or not I have met or spoken with my correspondent? Why should I express regards to someone who, for all I know, could be some bastard, bitch or psycho I otherwise wouldn't want to have anything to do with?

"Regards" has come into popular use in more recent years as a less formal, more friendly way of sending off your hopefully-well-received mail, replacing what used to be "Yours sincerely". But then the anxiety wells within. Should I be simply signing off with "Regards", or "Kind regards", "Warm regards", "Best regards" or, to make a big impression, ''Very best regards''.

Boy, they'll be very impressed with that suck-up. Or perhaps I could use "Most", as in "Yours most truly". Mmm, that could make an impression.

I regularly receive mail from my accountant ending with "Best regards". She's a lovely woman who I regard well, but do I really need to reply with "Best regards" too? She knows I regard her highly, so do I really need to remind her of the fact every time I write? But if I just sign off "Paul", will she think I'm being rude, pointed, somehow short with her, or that I no longer hold her in my "Best Regards" category of correspondents?

And really, what is "Kind regards"? Is it a soft and mushy, sweet and gentle form that makes saying "Regards" seem a little brusque? And in what circumstances is one meant to use it? When acknowledging the boss you otherwise hate for the pay rise?

Yours faithfully seems more like how a pet dog would end its letter to its master, if it could write, and "Yours truly" is, well, truly too sincere. How confusing!

"Cheers" is something you might say when downing a schooner with your mates and seems a little awkward on my mail, but as a shortened form of cheerio, a very British and warm way of saying goodbye, it seems appropriate.

What the hell, my correspondents don't need to know how I feel about them. They just need to know who their mail is from. What is wrong with just signing off with my name?

Yours truly, faithfully and with most sincere best and kindest warm regards,

Paul.

Paul Ainsworth

http://www.theage.com.au/opinion/soc...0621-ysak.html